I casually strolled into the diner. Long steps creating an ease in my movement. Casually dressed for comfort, my jeans are slightly loose and my shirt hangs giving my skin room to breathe. My bag is slung over my shoulder, my hair tucked away from my face. That drives me nuts, having hair in my eyes.
I saw the booth and slid into the seat opposite Empty Space. I dropped my bag down next to me and took a quick check of the time on my phone. The waitress came over. ‘A large flat white please. Yes that will be all’.
I clear my throat and look at the table. The crusted up salt shaker sat neatly next to the pepper. The napkin dispenser was nearly empty and they only had sachets of that awful fake sugar. Why do they do that, why don’t they care enough to restock these things?
My coffee arrives and I tentatively take a sip. Yes it is too hot for me. I like to drink it when it is warm. When I know I won’t lose the skin off the roof of my mouth if I take a glug. Some mornings I need to glug my coffee.
I thought today was a good day to do this. Not for any reason except today is always a good day to start.
I cast my eyes up, looking across at Empty Space again. I guess I am ready. I guess I should start.
‘Hello’. I say. ‘I am glad you could be here, I am glad that I chose today to meet with you. To confront you. I am not angry at you. I am not frustrated, devastated or heart broken by what you bring here – Empty Space. Rather I am disappointed at myself to see how much of you there is. I don’t know if you realise this Empty Space, but you are my creation.
You may have no beginning, you may have no end, but your size is my doing.
I spent my childhood with an active imagination, dreaming of what I’d like to be when I grew up. Yes it changed over the years. Somewhere along the line I took the route that brings me here.
Over the years as a young adult I had dreams of the travels I would do, of the worlds I would inhabit. Somehow I ended up here, far away in the opposite direction.
I grew up hating my body, dreaming of the day I’d be perfect and men would drop at my feet. I dreamed of the work I’d put in to achieve that. Somehow I have learned to share my space with the lumps and bumps that define my life so far, that tell the story of Me.
I am not saying I’m not happy. I am not saying I’m full of regret because that is wasted energy. I guess I wanted to talk to you today Empty Space, to confront my truth. Try and understand what has held me back, what influenced the choices I made. Perhaps together today we can make some new changes. Start making you smaller in my world. Start filling you up Empty Space. I would like that.
I understand how as a child we are defined by our immediate role models and environment. So I know how my parents affected my understanding of life. I know that deep down as a child I felt I would not be able to achieve my dreams because I was not smart enough, thin enough, rich enough or good enough.
I know that as an adult I realised there was a world for me. That I was now responsible for the way I think, the decisions I make. That I have the power to make things happen. And I did. I did make things happen, I just made different things happen to what my dreams were filled with. Why was that? With those decisions Empty Space, you grew bigger. I know now, and I think I knew then that deep down I was afraid. I was afraid of the unknown, I was afraid of being totally in charge of figuring things out. I still lacked the confidence that I was good enough to do these things. I was afraid I’d fail.
As the years went on my life changed. I grew emotionally and let go of a lot of baggage that had been weighing me down. I met my husband, and with that I did start to achieve some of my dreams. Just not to the extent I had hoped for originally. Empty Space, during this time you did become smaller than what you had been, but you were still there.
I find myself here now, not completely dissatisfied with the choices I have made yet wondering how I can make you smaller again. What dreams and desires from my past could I work at achieving now? Now that I have age and experience on my side so I know better. Now that I understand myself completely. Now that I understand when it is fear holding me back, or when it really is just a fantasy I have no true will to fulfill. I have the confidence now to aim higher, to reach further’.
I get my notebook out of my bag, and a pencil. I only write in notebooks using pencil. Just a weird thing of mine. One of the things that makes me unique, makes me Me.
I write a list of all of the unfulfilled dreams and desires I ever had starting from when I was a child. The list actually isn’t as long as I thought it was going to be. I look up and notice that with this reality check Empty Space has become slightly smaller.
I look through my list again and I prioritise each dream. I…2…3. So I can be sure of which dreams are the most important to me. I realise here that the choice is all mine. I am the only one who controls me, my thoughts, my decisions, my actions. Only me. Noone else to blame.
All decisions are mine and mine alone. I own them.
Now my list is shorter and you Empty Space, are smaller again.
I look at my top priorities and I prioritise those. Now I have my first target.
I write it out on a new page, I turn my dream into a goal. I brainstorm all of the things that need to happen to make it achievable. Every small detail.
Now I write down every step I need to take. Every small step.
I have a picture now, of achieving my next dream. Empty Space, you are smaller still.
I look at my list and draw a table. I write in my goal at the top. Down the left column I list all of the steps I need to do to achieve my dream. These are in order. Beside each step I list the resources I need to achieve my dream. Next I decide on my timeline. When will I have my dream achieved? When will each step need to be completed for this to happen.
I look at my finished work and I feel satisfied. A smile gently fills my face and I feel light in my heart. I look up at you Empty Space and you are still there, but you are less imposing now.
I have finished my coffee. I snap my notebook closed and put it safely back in my bag. Leaving money on the table I casually stand and walk off, not before pausing to look at you again Empty Space.
Good Bye
This post is written for Write or Die Wednesday.