Sitting in a café in a busy shopping mall my mind was racing a million miles a second. It was Saturday evening. I had a late Doctors appointment at the clinic there, for a follow up to the day before. Now it was peak hour so I was stuck, waiting for the traffic to clear, waiting for a taxi to be available, for me to go home and cry in my husbands arms. It turns out it wasn’t an irrational fear, it was reality. I had contracted pneumonia and I needed to go to hospital right away. I had negotiated with the Doctor, she would give me a really strong antibiotic to get me through the night so I could make arrangements for my children, but on Sunday I must go. I promised her I would.
I slowly ate a meal, as my mind raced trying to work out the logistics, as I tried not to pass out from this raging illness that was all-consuming. We are in a new country, with two small children to take care of. My husbands work is demanding – but thankfully supportive of family situations. Still, he has deadlines to meet and can’t just drop everything unprepared. I contact our House Maid, she comes twice a week, yes she says she can stay for a few days if needed. I message my mum who says perhaps a few nights in hospital, that’s the norm. I contact a dear friend back home who I know can keep my mood up, I contact my sister. My phone is running low, 10% battery left. My husband wants me home now, but I can’t get there yet. I fight back the tears and feel this void with no end in site. Loneliness. I want my mum, my sister and my closest friends. I want the ease of getting in my car and driving home. I want to be well so I can take care of my babies.
Now I fight the tears of disappointment. I have been feeling so overwhelmed and overburdened by things. I have not been the best mummy to my children, I have been a lousy wife. I need to ask for their forgiveness.
I get home at 9pm and can barely walk. I climb the stairs to our room, the children are waiting for me in bed. I give them cuddles and kisses and promise to come back after my shower. I stand under the warm shower as long as I can. It feels so good. It feels like home. I kiss the children once more and go to bed. SB brings me medicine and a cup of tea that sits untouched until morning. A fever spikes and rages through the night. SB dutifully checking me every few hours. He is upset I did not go straight to hospital.
Morning time and I sleep in. SB has to go out at 10, car shopping. I told him to go because we need a car. I message our House Maid and she is on her way. She will arrive by lunchtime then I will get in a taxi and go to the hospital. Alone.
SB comes home early and his friend drives me to emergency. This gesture is generous to me, I don’t have to deal with a taxi which I just have no energy for.
I check into emergency. As I am wheeled through I notice how busy it is. All the beds are filled and cots are brought out and set up in the corridors. Despite this I am seen to quickly. As I lay on my bed in a corridor I look around and notice that everybody has someone with them, someone to hold their hand. Except for me. I hug my phone, desperate for the virtual support I am getting from my husband, my dear friend, my mum and sister. They are my support group and keep me joking around. “Where is your support person?” I am asked repeatedly by the Doctors and Nurses on duty.
.
More x-rays. Lots of needles, IV lines are put in. My arms are full of holes and covered in bruises thanks to my crappy veins. Now I wait for a room to be made ready. As I lay there, I am thinking about things and I remember that I didn’t kiss the children when I left to come here. Tears roll down my cheeks.
Five hours later I am taken to my room. By now I am so exhausted my head is lolling from side to side and I have a throbbing headache. I climb into bed and lay down, breathing a sigh of relief. I ask for food, I haven’t eaten since breakfast. Well that’s a lie, I found stale Animal Crackers in the bottom of my bag. I ate those a few hours earlier, I was just so hungry. I don’t know that stale Animal Crackers are considered a real food source…I am told dinner will be served soon so I have to wait. I ask for an extra pillow and they said sure, for a charge of 200PhP. OK don’t bother, I will make do.
I rest now. Then I eat dinner and message SB to bring me a blanket from home, cup of tea from Starbucks and a bagel. The food here is really terrible. No, really, I don’t think I can emphasize enough how bad the hospital food is. It borders on inedible. It is almost cruel that I look out my window at a giant billboard advertising pizza. At least rice is served for lunch and dinner so I can eat that. SB visits with the goods in hand. When he leaves I can sleep.
I wake at 2.30am for some reason and I cannot get back to sleep. I lay in the dark with my eyes closed and I think about my life, my children, my marriage, my family. Everything. I worry about being here, not home where I belong with my babies. I worry that BB has a cough. The kids have a doctors appointment in the morning for vaccinations, SB is taking them, I hope he remembers to mention the cough. I need to remind him to pack snacks and water for them. I don’t know if anyone remembered to feed the dog.
I hear the sound of silence. I feel the distance across the sea. It is lonely.
At breakfast I cry a little. I contact a friend here and tell her what has happened and she offers her help. I feel good about that. Now I can make more plans. When SB brings the children to visit I cry some more. He returns with them after their vaccinations and BB has been given antibiotics for his cough. Thank goodness. I play with the children. FB snuggles up in my blanket and sits on my lap talking to me. BB explores every inch of the room, looking in every space, opening bins, drawers, doors. He explains how the door handles work, the light switches, the air conditioning switch. I finally get him to climb into bed with me for a cuddle. When they leave I cry.
Now they are gone and I am here again, alone, unwell and worried.
We have a rough plan in place, actually we have a plan A and a plan B – sort of. We need to wait to see what the doctor says.
8 Comments
Don't worry you will get through this thanks to your invisible friend, the "human spirit". Your story reminds me of my story border lining what you are going through. Get well soon!!!
Thanks Sheryl
Ugh. I hope you feel better soon.
Wow so powerfully written, raw and honest. My heart broke for you when you asked for forgiveness. I hope you can learn to pay yourself more credit as you are an awesome mum, wife and person! I think your body is telling you in a horrible way to cut yourself some slack as you have been through such a huge experience – moving to another country and all. I hope you get well really fast and that the hospital is, well, clean and stuff.
Thanks Kathy, the Dr says I'm recovering well.
Thanks Janine, I do need to chill out more you're right about that. The hospital is like the ones at home so it's perfectly fine, bad food included, although there is nothing fine about that!
Sending you hugs & healing for you body and mom guilt 🙂
Thanks Marie xx